Conservatism is a Disease

Friends,

Conservatism is a disease. And in America's case it is quite possibly terminal. As with any disease the best bet we have against it is education. Unfortunately for us the disease causes mass groups of brainless zombies to destroy what pathetic system we have in place for that education.

But lucky for you I've done the research and here's what I've found.

Americans experiencing any of the following symptoms would do well to immediately navigate to thinkprogress.org, call a liberal friend and let them know your symptoms, and keep reading this blog:

Symptoms of the Conservatism Virus:

1. A loss of compassion. This is the first symptom the subject will experience. It may begin with some sort of new self centered belief such as a desire to raise taxes on the poor and lower them on corporations. Subjects feeling some sort of resentment towards homosexuals may also be infected.

2. A loss of logic. The infected subject may begin to not only feel that taxes should be raised on the poor or collective bargaining rights should be taken from employees but may begin actually arguing for their new found compassionateless illogical belief. At this point we are running out of time and need to act quickly.

3. A complete loss of sanity. The final loss we will see in the subject is that of sanity. At this point the chances of recovery have dwindled down to the slightest of hopes. The subject may now begin actively supporting Republican candidates and even throwing insane bumper stickers such as "Annoy a Liberal: Be proud!" or "NOPE" on their vehicles. The subject may at this point become engrossed in the teachings of Glenn Beck and FOX news.

At this point the three loses have completed and we are left with the hollow shell of a sane American. The victim, like millions before him, has succumbed to the Conservative disease.

Now there are varying levels of the disease. Many have a strong immune system that can readily fight off the disease and others may succumb but are less affected than others. I have classified these people into four categories.

First we have the Treystone Conservatives, the least of the four categories. Deriving their name from the creators of a well known show, South Park, these Conservatives may lean right but are largely indifferent to the politics of the day. Extremely uneducated about current affairs, they are easily led like sheep by the Republican rod of "fear," "terrorism," and "9/11."

Next we have the McCainanite Conservatives. This is a broad category for Conservatives. 90% of them may fit in this category. In fact Conservatives from other categories could easily fit here as well. These are the dishonorable fool's whose level of conservatism fluctuates faster than you can say "John McCain." One day you will see them supporting a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell and the next you will see them declaring "today is a very sad day" at it's repeal.

Then there is the Palinist Conservatives. Ask these fools why they are conservative and your going to hear "because our first President, Abraham Lincoln, was a conservative!" Completely ignorant of fact and oblivious to truth these Conservatives have stumbled into the world of politics completely blind and uneducated. They have no idea what a Republican stands for or what they are doing. This is without a doubt the most dangerous category of Conservative.

And finally we have the Beckist Conservatives. These fear mongering apocalyptic bible thumping assholes are a largely harmless lot of ignorant fools. They spend the bulk of their time following their leader Glenn Beck and attending Church. As absolutely ignorant as they are the only real threat they pose is that they may elect a Palinist to public office.

This is only the beginning of an education I plan to extend to all worried Americans. So keep in tune. And please, if you or someone you know suffers from the Conservative Disease seek help, it is there. Begin by turning off FOX news and going to mediamatters.org. Keep in tune with my blog as I walk my readers through the recovery process.